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I recently came back from a jog. It’s shocking to state those words. It seems it could have been many years since my last. However I found out recently that my levels show slightly high cholesterol, and doctors suggested to perform intense workouts on a consistent basis.

This is the first time in my life that the driving force to be active has been my health status. In my youth, I exercised because I aimed to slim down. I also jogged to alleviate nervousness – I was merely escaping from the worry, not addressing it. Sometimes, I ran because I aimed to improve in running. This was the definition to me at that time to create a superior lifestyle.

Running for a different reason currently sparked reflection about the approaches I’ve connected with my physique during my years and its transformation as I progress from being a young person to middle age. It seems unlikely I’ve respected my physical form, not deep down. I’ve valued it just for its roles and the purposes it provided: seeking approval; escaping emotions; achieving a quicker 5K run. Up to now, I’ve not understood that I am my body, it is my life, as opposed to a tool for outcomes.

A great deal has been explored for ages about the division of mind and body – which it’s reassuring to know, I’ll avoid detailing here. What resonated most fascinating is Sigmund Freud’s view that mental and physical selves are developmentally integrated from the beginning, because physical development necessitates emotional evolution and vice versa. The newborn’s corporeal feelings – for example the physical sensation of hunger – drive the mind to develop the ability to perceive hunger as a feeling that may be satisfied by a feed; and the psychological solace and fulfillment consistently provided by meal after meal feeds the young mind similar to the nutrition nourishes them bodily. Similarly emotional occurrences – for instance the desire to stand up and attain a goal, and the resolve to try again and again – are the reason and method the body develops power. From our earliest moments, our physical and mental selves are interlinked in shared growth as unified as a spiral.

However I have noticed, in treatment with my analyst, that my consciousness and physique can be in an alternate dynamic – a less unified and more exploitative. My consciousness can use my body to hold and manifest aspects that my psyche views unacceptable or intolerable. During therapy we’ve become aware how there are specific feelings that I am afraid I can’t handle; rather than feeling these mentally, I unconsciously shift them into bodily form, where they remain as corporeal issues.

I used to get this with indigestion – unrelated to what I’d eaten, but was a form of corporeal reaction of the harsher emotions I couldn’t digest psychologically. This wasn’t a deliberate decision, but once it was raised to my attention in sessions, and my fear and sensitivity and anger and alarm could be felt and articulated rather than changed into physical sensation, it vanished. I seldom experience with digestive issues now.

The toughest period I had this severe heartburn, I was unable to sleep for multiple consecutive nights. I felt I was losing my sanity. I consulted a general practitioner, who organised various scans and tests, but everything was physically wrong. It turned out to be a different physician who suggested that the origin could be emotional. My therapist agreed. I was stunned, but I recognized it was accurate.

Whenever someone endures a corporeal problem, they might feel insulted upon hearing that it could have an emotional origin. It can seem like disrespect, being told that their illness is fabricated. Naturally such cases occur – people can have their pain discounted or incorrectly identified. But in some cases it could be that the bodily signs are real – without doubt – and the source is emotional, the inner mind using the physical self to express some pain or rage or whichever sentiment awareness is unable to bear. At times, we may believe our emotions is only valid when it is expressed through the body. We continually disrespect our mental states on a personal level, collectively and within our culture; why else do we accept the shocking elimination of psychodynamic psychotherapy through health services?

My experiences have shown me that a better life cannot be built when we are stuck unconsciously in modes of connection, within ourselves and socially, that originate in disregard, exploitation and transaction. These dynamics tend to be simpler to spot “in the world” in the general public. It may be more challenging to reflect on their origins, and to identify these patterns inside us and among loved ones, in the economy of our psyches.

Yet it’s worth persevering. When I put my trainers once more post a long hiatus, venturing out not for a better body, or to eliminate a feeling, or to surpass a 5km time, {it